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monibrown
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Posts by monibrown
What’s the Speed Limit?
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”
Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”
Would You Remarry
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No… He’s left handed.
Barber Knows Best
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there? ”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate! ” “TWA? ” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome? ”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott. ” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. ”
So, what are doing when you get there? ” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. ”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. ”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! ”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope. ”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. ”
“Really? ” asked the Barber. “What’d he say? ” He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?”
Simple Division
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: “Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband ” When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
Pick A Prize
This joke is just a little naughty. Lol
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize”
Talk With A Texan
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
I guess not everything is bigger in Texas!
Tall Tales
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.