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Jokes
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex, without using a “barrier method” of some kind, can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.
Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no-one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.
Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chainsaws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks’ homes are better.
Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shovel, and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
*I have two daughters, one is 16 and the other is 9 so I had to share this. Feel free to print this out and post it in clear view for all future male suitors of your daughter or daughters.
The Guide To Women
A MAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. Without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven’t had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA’S FINE. You cheap slob!
I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can’t believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE. My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT… I don’t like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen.
I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We’re gonna make fun of you and your friends.
I’m Not Crippled?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.” Our wasted friend asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.”
Man Walks Into A Supermarket
Man walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner.
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, “Single are you?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
Travel to Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed ” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
A Women’s Secret
“No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.” “I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest.”I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted. “I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
Starch in Your Pants
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
“You’ll never get that worm back in his hole,” said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
“Billy! You’re a genius,” exclaimed grampa.
He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
“Grampa,” said the boy, “You already gave me a dollar.
“No,” replied grampa, “That dollar’s from grandma!”
What’s the Speed Limit?
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”
Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”
Would You Remarry
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No… He’s left handed.
Barber Knows Best
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there? ”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate! ” “TWA? ” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome? ”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott. ” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. ”
So, what are doing when you get there? ” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. ”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. ”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! ”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope. ”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. ”
“Really? ” asked the Barber. “What’d he say? ” He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?”